Why families don't talk about money or estate planning decisions.

I've been working with senior clients for the past 31 years, first as an insurance and financial services agent, and for the past 20 years as a financial planner and daily money manager (DMM).  The one common denominator that I have seen among families is a lack of communication about finances and estate settlement decisions between senior parents and their adult children.

As we, or our parents reach retirement age and become seniors, why is it so difficult to talk openly about finances and estate settlement wishes with the family?  Seniors think about the possibility of becoming dependent upon family members, or worse, ending up in an assisted living facility.  Adult children are keenly aware that if something happens to their senior parent(s) someone would need to step in and manage the finances or settle the estate.  Here's where it gets tricky.  My professional experience has been that Mom and/or Dad are not taking the lead and proactively communicating their personal information and wishes with the kids - they just don't want to think or talk about it.  I've also been told countless times by adult children that none of the kids want to be the first to bring the topic up for discussion for fear of being seen as "a little too interested in what their inheritance may be."  Now throw blended families into the mix, and of course a little (or a lot of) dysfunction and believe me, nobody wants to bring up the issues that everybody knows really need to be discussed. 

So how do families overcome these communication issues?  Sometimes getting outside help can make all the difference.  I've found as a professional daily money manager that my senior clients have no problem disclosing all of their confidential information to me; in fact, they like the fact that someone other than themselves has a complete record of everything.  For many clients their greatest fear is that the kids will fight over financial decisions or the estate settlement wishes.  Having someone outside the family to assist their loved ones in managing the estate and carrying out their estate settlement wishes gives them peace of mind.

My best advice is to bring all family members together to proactively discuss the financial and estate settlement details long before any issues come up.  Decide as a family how you will proceed going forward and who will play what role.  Discuss whether or not you want professionals to be involved to provide services or if you will try to handle everything inside the family.  If family members are going to provide services, what should their compensation be for providing such services?  What checks and balance process will be used to assure finances are being managed appropriately?  More often than not providing oversight and care will fall on one person rather than being divided evenly among all of the siblings.  Get everything worked out in advance.  Maintain an open line of communication and review the game plan periodically to keep things current.